Jean and Jane, February 2006

On January 25th Jane Johnson and Jean Deatrick appeared at my door in Redondo Beach, California.  What follows is my recollection of the visit.

Me:  Jean, Jane, what a surprise!  Do come in.

Jane:  (With proper British accent) We are sorry to pop in on you this way.

Jean:  “We hate to intrude, it is just that we need to do some fact checking...”

Me:  Is this because of the Oprah thing with James Frey and  “A Million Little Pieces? Jane:  Yes we realize it is a frightful bother, but we need to confirm some of your stories.

Me:  I never claimed to have been in prison, used drugs, had a root canal without an anesthetic, bled all over an airplane, had a girlfriend die on me, or been befriended by a mobster...

Jean:  (Wistfully) Yes that would sell papers...

Jane:  Yes, that would be smashing, but a number of our readers wonder if anyone can be as...

Jean:  Boring...

Jane:  Yes, frightfully sorry Tom.  Frey was not as wild and troubled as he portrayed himself, but you must be understating your drive and intellect.

Jean:  You have set up this image of a middlebrow underachiever who goes to garage sales and reads The New Yorker for the cartoons.

Me:  That’s about it.  Care for a Poptart ?

Jane:  We know for example you were in the Noodleman book group in Minneapolis and they regularly discuss Noam Chomsky...

Me:  Cubs, third baseman, hits lefty...

Jean:  See it’s that feigned ignorance but then the political allusion.  Tom, if you are smarter and more worldly than you have told us, then there has been a breach of trust with our readership and action will be required.

Me:  Well, come on in and look around.

Jane:  (Scanning book shelves and my music collection).  One of the reasons we have kept you on staff all of these years is that many in the neighborhood enjoys having a hoot at your expense

Jean:  (Also rummaging around) People are not laughing with you...Let me start again.  You know how high status much of the west of Hennepin crowd is?  You make people feel better about themselves.  If it ever came out that you are a closet intellectual and were misleading us and that your column was some sort of parody...I know a number of advertisers would not take this well.

Jane:  What are we listening to?

Me: ”Vanilla Fudge’s Greatest Hits” and before that a vintage “Strawberry Alarm Clock” CD.

Jean:  (In amazement) And nobody told you we were coming...

Jane:  (Gazing at my library) It’s mostly sports and true crime books...

Jean:  (Noticing the furnishings) So there must be a lot of garage sales out here too.

Me:  (Modestly) Yes, we’ve been lucky.  The chair you’re sitting in, $10.00!

Jean:  (Rising quickly to go) Yikes, look at the time.  We must rush.

Me:  Don’t you want to stay and hang out with the dogs? Stella and Cowboy will be disappointed to miss you.

Jane:  Tom, let me say you are doing a smashing job!  We shan’t worry about any fraud or deception on your part.

Jean:  Our best to JoAnne. She is a remarkable woman.

In the spirit of full disclosure, JoAnne did join us for a wonderful outdoor lunch, a walk on the beach, and a lot of laughs.  Thank you, Jean and Jane.  It was great to see Minnesota friends again.