A friend inquired solicitously if there was an
event to explain my sudden change in behavior.
I could not think of anything right off, but then I remembered that our
daughter Rachael and son-in-law Daniel Gillies recently told us that our first
grandchild was on the way.
1. The hair in my ears suddenly
grew so thick I could not hear the cashier at the market. I suggested she looked like she should be in
middle school. She let me know that she
is 27, has three kids, an ex-husband in Georgia, no child support, and a peptic
ulcer. I told her I never used to call
the store a market.
2. I have taken to carrying a
small change purse for coins and wrapping my bills and credit cards tightly in
a rubber band. This increases my
checkout time so I regale those behind me in line with stories about how much
each item used to cost.
3. My pants (briefly referred
to as slacks) are now called trousers.
They seem to fit better when they are hugging my ribcage and held up by
both suspenders and a belt. In shirts,
flannel is the new black.
4. My next automobile will
probably be an Oldsmobile 88. I want to
get a little more car around me the way these young people whizz by talking on
their hounds tooth telephones. The
mileage will not be as good as my Prius, but I never go over 35 mph anyway.
5. Reading obituaries the other
day I remarked that the afterlife must be mirthful because families all mention that the deceased had a
great sense of humor. I have not met
that many truly funny people. The obit
always suggests a donation in lieu of flowers, so how come there are so many
flowers at funerals? I shared these
unique observations four days in a row with Mother.
6. I
called JoAnne “Mother” the other day.
7. Dinner before 5:00 PM is
called supper. Early bird specials are
great! The food is fresher, you save
money, and you get home before dark when all the hipsters and riff raff come
out.
8. I keep a rake by my side door
so I can spring into action if skate boarders or stray dogs trespass onto my
property.
9. Rather than say, “I am going
to crash,” I told Mother that I was a might tuckered and was not going to
sleep, but just going to rest my eyes for a spell.
10. People on television need to
speak up! I have noticed that almost all
of them mumble and it is hard to make out what they are saying. That Howard Cosell, you didn’t always agree
with him, but you at least you could hear him!
Tom H. Cook a displaced local writer has transitioned
from fogey to codger in preparation for becoming a grandparent this fall. (Google Rachael Leigh Cook to see a photo of
the happy couple.) Shameless plug:
Rachael, the Barton Open School graduate, returns as F.B.I. agent Kate Moretti
in Season Two of Perception on TNT June 25th. 
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